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- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Accuracy is our watchword. We never make misteaks.
- A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- A man with worms is never alone.
- A million sperm and YOU were the fastest?
- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
- Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix. Don't Drink and Derive!
- All generalizations are false.
- All men are animals, some just make better pets.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Always be on time, even if you're late
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Always try to be modest, and be damn proud of it!
- Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
- Anybody who isn't confused today isn't well informed
- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
- Apathy is a serious problem, BUT WHO CARES!
- Are the voices in my head bothering you?
- Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit..
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Bad Cop! No doughnut!
- Bad spellers of the word UKNIGHT!
- Bad things travel in pairs. Bad things travel in pairs.
- Ban abortion, eat your young instead!
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the bone.
- BEER.. Helping ugly people get laid since 1842!
- Beer: For people too ugly to get laid.
- Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Body By Nautilus. Brain By Mattel
- Boldly Going Nowhere
- Born again pagan
- Born free...Taxed to death.
- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- BOY FRIEND WANTED: No experience necessary, will train
- Bumper to bumper, Butt to Butt, Get Off My Ass You Crazy Nut!
- Cancer cures smoking.
- Can I test drive your vulva?
- Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
- Cats... the other white meat!
- Caution: Driver Legally Blonde!
- Caution: I Brake For Hookers!
- Caution: I can go from Zero to Horny in 2.5 Beers!
- Caution: I drive like you do
- Caution: I stop for unicorns
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Chastity is curable, if detected early.
- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
- Christians: Can't live with them, Can't feed them to the lions any more.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
- Clones are people two.
- Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
- Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
- Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Constipated people don't give a crap.
- Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
- Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
- "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
- Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
- Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
- Death to all fanatics!
- Denial is NOT a river in Egypt
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- Did I say you could read my bumper. No, I didn't think so!
- Do it today, 'cause it might be illegal tomorrow.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Dog is my co-pilot
- Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
- Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
- Don't drink and drive: You might hit a bump and spill your drink!
- Don't follow me, I'm lost!
- Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
- Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
- Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run... he hates that.
- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
- Don't piss me off... I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Don't steal. The government hates competition.
- Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
- Don't tailgate or I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
- Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive anyway.
- Don't take my signals literally.
- Don't take this personally, but shut up. Just shut up.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Drive defensively... buy a tank.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- Dyslexia: Fict or Faction?
- DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
- Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
- Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
- Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
- End discrimination: Hate Everybody!
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
- Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
- Exxon Suxx.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- Fârfrümpüken!!
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- Focus on your own damn family!
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
- Forget the Joneses, I can’t keep up with the Simpsons!
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For those of you who dont believe in reincarnation...better luck next time.
- Friends don't let friends drive naked.
- Friends don't let friends take home fat chicks.
- Friends don't let friends take home ugly chicks.
- Friends don't let friends vote Democrat.
- Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
- Gas, Grass or Ass no one rides for free
- Get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
- Get In, Sit down, Shut up, and Hold on!
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
- God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
- God is my co-pilot
- God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- God made diversity; Man made bigotry; Who do you trust?
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
- Got brains?
- Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law
- Grow your own dope, plant a man.
- Gun control means hitting what you're aiming at
- Gun control means using both hands
- Guns don't kill people, it's just the bullet tearing through their body
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
- Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead.
- Guys... just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one
- Half the people you know are below average.
- HANG UP AND DRIVE!
- Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
- Harry is a Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned
- Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends
- Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat out
- He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- He who dies with the most toys wins.
- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
- He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Help support helpless victims of computer error.
- Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
- Homer Simpson for President.
- Honk If Anything Falls Off
- Honk if I have slept with your husband.
- Honk if you hate noise pollution
- Honk if you love Hanson, then drive into a tree
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Honk if you want to see my finger
- Honk if you're horny.
- Honk if you're horny... pull over if you mean it.
- Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
- Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- Housework done properly can kill you
- How'd you get your driver's license, a close relative die?
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
- Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
- I am NOT a NUMBER! I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
- I am not laughing with you... I am laughing at you
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- I didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life, why should I in this one?
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- I'd like to see it from your viewpoint, but I can't get my head that far up my ass
- I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
- I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
- I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If black is beautiful, I just shit out a masterpiece!
- If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I feel more like I do now than I did before.
- I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
- I found Jesus....He was behind the couch the whole time!!!
- If God had intended us to run around naked, He’d have created us that way!
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- If ignorance is bliss, you should be orgasmic.
- If it's too loud, you're too old.
- If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- If we quit voting will they all go away?
- If you are psychic--think "HONK."
- If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- (placed upside down on vehicle): If you can read this-ROLL ME OVER!!
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
- If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
- If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?
- If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- If you don't like the way I'm driving, you come get these handcuffs off!
- If you don't STAND for SOMETHING, you'll FALL for ANYTHING
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you get any closer, I'll fart!
- If you had everything, where would you keep it?
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- If you're going to ride my ass, pull my hair
- If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- I go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds
- I go from 0 to horny in 2.5 beers
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
- I got your honors student pregnant.
- I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- I Haven't Lost My Mind -- It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I is a college student.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I just took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
- Illiterate? Write For Help
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- I love mankind; it's people I hate
- I'm a cat person. No, I mean I'm half-cat half-human...
- I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
- Imagination is the foundation of reality.
- I'm an imbecile and I vote.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
- I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
- I may be slow, but I’m ahead of you.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally.
- I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
- Impotence -- Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
- I'm Pro-choice, because the last thing I need is more idiots to piss me off.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
- Insomnia cures snoring
- I pretend to work and they pretend to pay me.
- I ran into my ex the other day, so I backed it up and hit him again!
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen..
- i souport publik edekashun.
- Is there life before coffee?
- Is this glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
- I still miss my Ex .... but my aim is getting better.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I tried smoking weed but I got grass stains on my lips.
- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
- It's been Monday all week.
- It's better to have a gun and not need it, than need a gun and not have it.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the booger.
- It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you
- It's only kinky the first time
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- It works better if you plug it in.
- I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
- I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating.
- I want to be just like Barbie: that bitch has everything!
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
- I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- I would flip you off but my finger is up my nose
- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole
- Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot.
- Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth
- JESUS SAVES ... They Pass It To Gretzky ... He Shoots ... He Scores!
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost.
- Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you!
- Just dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
- Just do me!
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- Just say No to sex with pro-lifers.
- Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
- Keep honking...I'm reloading.
- Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
- Keep your eyes on your OWN damn bumper
- Kiss me if I am wrong but don't you want to fuck me
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Lead me not into temptation -- I can find the way myself.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
- Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- Life is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
- Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- Life is a terminal disease!
- Life is like a dick, long and hard
- Life is short. Don't be a dick.
- Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
- Life's a bitch, then you die.
- Line dancing--What happens when cousins breed.
- LOOK! A DISTRACTION!!
- Lord, protect me from Your followers.
- Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Love isn't love until you give it away.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Marijuana... Hey at least it's not crack!
- Mean People Suck -- Nice People Swallow
- Mean people suck! So let me come over see how mean you are.
- Men come in three sizes, small, medium and Oh My God!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Monday is a hell of a way to spend one-seventh of your life.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch
- Money is the root of all evil: send $30 for more info
- Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
- Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
- My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
- My Karma just ran over your Dogma
- My kid beat up your honor student
- My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
- My kid had sex with your honor student
- My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
- My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
- My other auto is a 9mm.
- My other wife is beautiful.
- My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
- My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
- Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!
- Never, never, never, never repeat.
- New and improved
- Niagra Falls and Viagra Rises
- Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- No radio -- Already stolen.
- Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
- Nothing can spoil a good weekend like a Monday.
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- Nuke a gay whale for christ.
- Nuke the unborn baby whales for Jesus.
- Okay, who put a "Stop Payment" on my reality check?
- Okay - who's been messing with my anti-paranoia medications?
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Pardon my driving - I am reloading.
- Partnership for an Idiot-free America.
- Piss off a Liberal ... work for a living.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Please! Spay and Neuter Your Republicans!
- Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
- Poo Poo Happens
- Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
- Practice safe sex. Make love in a Volvo!
- Preserve wildlife: throw a party
- Prevent forest fires - Support clear cutting!
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- Procrastinate now!
- Prosecutors will be violated!
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
- Real trucks are built, not bought!
- Real Trucks Don’t Have Spark Plugs
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph ...Are Also Timed For 70 mph
- Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy!
- Save a Tree, Eat a beaver.
- Save the animals, Eat a vegetarian.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Save water, shower with a friend
- Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Sex causes your children to be born naked.
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Show respect for age: drink good Scotch.
- Signals? ITS THE STICK ON YOUR LEFT !!!
- Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Smile. Tomorrow I'll give you a reason to frown.
- Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa
- Soccer players do it for 90 minutes, in 11 different positions, without their hands.
- So many stupid people... so few comets.
- Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
- Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
- Spell-checkers are hear two stay.
- Sticks and stones will break my bones but, whips and chains excite me.
- Stop Inbreeding: Ban country music!
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
- Streakers re-pant! Your end is in sight.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
- Support free enterprise - legalize prostitution
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
- Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- Thank goodness I'm female
- The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
- The colder the X-ray table, the longer your body is required on it.
- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
- The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
- The Moral Majority is neither.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- The more things change, the more they remain insane.
- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- The only time I said no to a drink was when I misunderstood the question.
- The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The proctologist called. They found your head.
- There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- The road to success is always under construction.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
- This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
- This car protected by Smith & Wesson
- This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
- This is not an abandoned vehicle.
- This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Today is the last day of your life so far.
- To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Use an accordian, go to jail
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Vomiting is nature's way of recycling.
- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20 of ammunition.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
- We're not paranoid, you only think we are!
- We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
- What are you lookin' at?
- What ever look you were going for, you missed!
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- What really pisses me off is people with no tolerance.
- When all else fails, lower your standards.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When in doubt, hide the evidence
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
- When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
- Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Who cares who's on board?
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- Who's your Daddy? Never mind, your Mom told me already
- Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
- Why be normal?
- Wife and dog missing, reward for dog.
- Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
- Wink. I'll do the rest.
- Witches are Crafty People.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- Work is for people who don't have the internet.
- Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
- You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
- You can't have everything, where would you put it?
- You have nothing to fear but the voices in my head
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- You! Off my planet!
- You! Out of the gene pool!
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
- Your mother must have drank, smoked pot, and dropped acid while she was pregnant!
- Your proctologist called, they found your head
- Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
- Your town called. They want their drunk back.
- Your village called. They're missing their idiot.
- You're driving a car; it isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- Zzzzzz
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